Insomnia
by Brandy-Layne
Summary: What random thoughts go through each CSI's mind as they try to sleep between shifts. Some might surprise you.
1. Gil Grissom

Gil Grissom  
  
He sat on his couch reading up on the mating rituals of the Australian Bird Eating Spider. Fascinating.  
  
Sleep was a fantasy he had given up on that day. After lying in bed for several hours, his mind never stopping, he gave in to the inevitable. A day of sleeplessness before a new shift that night. That was OK, he had gone without sleep before. So had the rest of the team, he was sure.  
  
He couldn't help but reflect on his team. They were good, damn good, and he was proud of every last one of them. He knows they would be in shock if they even suspected he thought fondly of them. Hell, they would be shocked if they found out he just thought of them full stop. But he did. On days like this he reflected on his team and how they had bonded and matured over the years.  
  
He had worked with Catherine the longest. He had been Lead CSI and she was hired as a trainee. A rooky if you will. He was given the onerous task of making this once stripper into an A1 CSI. He didn't hold out much hope, but she surprised him. She had been determined to do well and threw herself into the process. She had made CSI2 in record time.  
  
And their friendship had grown stronger on her trip from CSI2 to CSI3. Now she was his best friend... well his only friend really. But that was OK. Friends and family were never that important to him. He had been surprised that Catherine had not applied for the Lead CSI position this year. She had told him that she spent too much time away from Lindsay now. Lead meant more hours and she just couldn't do that to Linds.  
  
That line of thinking bought him inevitably to the two who were going for lead. Nick Stokes and Sara Sidle.  
  
He couldn't help but feel proud of these two. Especially Nick. He remembered the interview he and Jim Brass had with this young Texas man. He had flown in from Dallas just for this two hour interview. He had shown a spark that Grissom liked. He was polite and courteous, knew his techniques and had book smarts but lacked confidence in himself.  
  
But Grissom could tell he had a lot of potential. Therefore, when Brass said he wanted to hire another candidate, Gil fought for Nick Stokes. Brass's reservations had been more about Nick's family than Nick himself. Son of a Supreme Court Judge with more lawyers in his family than pass the Nevada Bar last year, no way. That was just asking for trouble. Grissom disagreed. That was the spark he had seen. The need to get out from under his family. The need to make a mark for himself. So they hired him. Two weeks later he was living in Las Vegas.  
  
That was when he gained confidence as well. Knowing everything he did wasn't being filtered back to his family gave Nick enough confidence to push himself, allow himself to stumble a little. But he always picked himself up and brushed himself off and kept going. He knew he had made the right decision recommending Nick for the Lead position.  
  
The other candidate though was another kettle of fish altogether. Sara Sidle, his number one student. His protégé if you will. His butterfly. He always got a sinking feeling when he thought of Sara. He had feelings for her. He could no longer deny that. But his dept of feelings did not equate to hers for him. Yes he was attracted to her, yes he was fond of her in a way that exceed that of a work colleague, but love? He didn't think so.  
  
He knew Sara wanted more out of their relationship but he just didn't know if he had more to give.  
  
Besides, Gil wasn't right for her. She needed someone else. Something else. Neither of them had outside interests other than work (except of his bugs of course but they hardly lead to a life of fulfillment). Together they could become worse. With each one pushing the other it could border on compulsive. No, Sara definitely needed someone else. He had always been expecting that she and Nick would form a relationship. Now he would be good for her. Get her mind off work. Show here there is more to life than work. He keeps her smiling at work.  
  
Or Warrick. Warrick would be better for her than Gil Grissom.  
  
But Warrick had problems of his own. Living with addiction was hard but he was doing it. And Gil was proud of him. It had been a blow to Gil to discover Warrick's problem. Warrick should have been fired after Holly Gribbs died. No doubt about it. Anyone else and they would have been. But Gil didn't fire him and he had taken a lot of flack from the powers that be over that decision. Not to mention suffering thought a little resentment from the other CSI's. But he just wasn't ready to give up on Warrick just then. He was good at his job. Damn good. And it was just so hard to find workers of his caliber. Gil was lucky to have found him. And three others just as good.  
  
Eckley always referred to his team as the A Team but Gil and the rest of the LVPD knew better. Graveyard shift was exceptional. 


	2. Catherine Willows

Catherine Willows  
  
She lay in bed. She was alone. Lindsey was at school and Eddie was dead. A tear rolls down her face and into her hair.  
  
It still hurt so much. Years of separation had not softened the blow. She was still in love with him. She couldn't help the way she felt. And now he was gone.  
  
She still remembers the day she met him. He had come into the club she was working. He was dating one of the other girls and she had bought him back stage to meet her friends. They minute they lay eyes on each other it was...... electric. Sure that sounds like an old cliché but it was true. They knew right then and there.  
  
They were inseparable. Partying every night. Drinking, snorting, fucking. And then Lindsey. Finding out she was pregnant was the wake up call they needed.  
  
They got married at a chapel on the strip. Tacky but what they both wanted at the time. She also stopped dancing. For some reason guys didn't like to see pregnant women strip. As far as Cath was concerned she had never looked better.  
  
She also decided to go back to school. She had always liked talking to the cops that came to the club. Asking what cases they were working on, finding out how they caught someone. And that was what she decided to do. Crime Scene Investigation.  
  
Eddie agreed to support her while she went back to school. Lindsey had been born and she couldn't have wished for a more doting father. He loved his little angel.  
  
However, all those years of studying were starting to take their toll on her marriage. Eddie started drinking again and taking off at night after Catherine came home from school. When she finally confronted him, he had hit her. That was the first time but sadly not the last. Every time it happened he would break down, say how sorry he was, how he couldn't live without her and Lindsey. She could smell the rum on his breath and see the glazed eyes from the Coke. She stayed with him.  
  
When school was finished she applied for a job at the LVPD and was given and entry level position on the graveyard shift with the crime lab. Her dreams were finally coming true. But now it was time to take one last major step. One day after work, while Eddie was out working, she packed up her and Lindsey and left. She never went back. Not that she didn't think about it. He begged and pleaded, even coming to the lab and making a scene there. But she never gave in. That was something Cath had always prided herself on. Her ability to make a decision and stick to it. Some people call that stubbornness, she called it determination.  
  
And now, he was gone. She tried not to cry in front of Lindsey. After all it has been over a year now. But tears still came on days like this. Days when sleep just wouldn't come.; She looked at her bedside clock. Time to go and pick up Lindsey.  
  
Oh well, what was another day without sleep. She had so many of them. 


	3. Nick Stokes

Nick Stokes  
  
He lay on his back, hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. He knew the peep holes had been covered up but he still looked for them. He had been another violation to his life.  
  
He felt her stir beside him and he looked over at her. He struggled to remember her name. Suzie? Susan? Sue?....... Elizabeth? Anyway it didn't matter. He wasn't going to be calling her again. Shed failed the test. He met her last night before shift at a club. They agreed to meet up for breakfast as she worked nights too. They had a nice time. She was intelligent, witty, funny not to mention beautiful. But she failed the test. He tested every woman he went out with. As the date draws to a close he will smile, kiss them and ask them to come home with him. If they say yes, they fail.  
  
They don't all say yes. Some don't want to move too quick. Those few will get a phone call and maybe even a follow up date. And a follow up test. Again if they sleep with him they fail. It was a simple enough plan. After all, the woman he fell in love with would not be a slut. Sadly all women up till now were sluts. Whores every last one of them.  
  
One lasted longer than the others. Back in Dallas. Thought he was in love with her. It took 3 months and a promise of a commitment on his part before she said yes. But then all his illusions were shattered. It was like fucking an instructor of the Karma Sutra. She was willing to do anything and everything. The sex was good. Too good! She was a slut too.  
  
He knew he was being unfair. But he couldn't help they way he felt. Women only wanted one thing. To be fucked. Hell, She was even willing to fuck a 9 year old boy. Women were all the same. Like Her. No don't think about that, don't think about Her. He knew She was the reason he felt this way. Not only did She take away his innocence, but She had also taken away his ability to feel anything but contempt for them.  
  
He would be friends with them, even love some on a platonic level, but fall in love. He didn't think he would ever be capable. He had Her to thank for that.  
  
The closest thing to love for a woman was his family and the women he worked with. Your family you have to love. That is the rules. But he found loving them from a distance much easier. He knew that his sisters were no different from all the other sluts, but he had to love them.  
  
Cath and Sara were a different story. Cath he knew was a slut. The stories she tells of her stripping days confirm that. Oh she says she never slept with the customers but he doesn't believe her. After all, she slept with Eddie. Yep Cath was a slut. But he liked her. She looked out for him. Just because someone was a slut didn't mean he didn't like them. It just meant he wouldn't date them.  
  
Sara on the other hand? He wasn't sure about her. It would be interesting to put her to the test. Would she? Or wouldn't she? He knows she slept with Hank. He knows she would sleep with Grissom. But was she a slut in his definition? Probably, they all were.  
  
She stirs beside him, her hand snakes across his chest and slowly starts to move down his stomach.  
  
He quickly grabs her wrist. He never lets a woman take control. She was in control. And not just once like he told Cath. Many times.  
  
Since then he always made the decisions. When, where, how. Always his choice. He looked over at her. She was smiling. He knew that smile. He knew what she wanted. The same thing they all want. Slut.  
  
She probably sees this day as a start to a loving relationship. He knows he will never see her again once he closes the door behind her. He decides to giver her what she wants and starts to kiss her.  
  
Why not. He can't sleep anyway. 


	4. Sara Sidle

Sara Sidle  
  
"No!" she screams as she sits bolt upright. Her heart thumps in her chest, her blood rushes in her ears. She wants to cry. That dream again. Always the same one. It will haunt her forever.  
  
She sits back against the headboard and tries to pull herself together. She knows there is no use trying to go back to sleep now. In fact it will be a couple of days before her body lets her find that again. As her heart rate begins to slow and the blood no longer sounds like thunder in her ears, she looks around her. Her bedroom is a mess. There are forensic journals all over the floor and some on her bed. She picks one up and starts to leaf through it.  
  
She leans over and switches on the police scanner beside her bed. Might as well see what this evenings shift has in store for her.  
  
She smiles a sad smile. Why would anyone think she didn't have a life. She works more than half her day away, then comes home and reads about how to improve her work and listens to possible jobs she may pull at work. 'Oh yeah, this is living.'  
  
Nick was right, she had to get out more. She had taken up his advice once. That had ended in disaster. Hank the skank! Still, one scumbag asshole was no reason to wipe off the rest of the human species. Maybe she should call someone to do something before shift. Maybe catch a movie.  
  
She could call Cath.... No, she would be picking up Lindsey by now..... Besides, she and Catherine weren't exactly chummy, chummy. They worked together fine but sometimes she just rubbed Sara the wrong way.  
  
Warrick was out of the question. They got on well now, but a social outing was probably not where their relationship was at right now. She could just imagine his expression if she was to call out of the blue and ask to go out with him.... It might just be worth it for the reaction. Of course, you can't see someone's face when you talk on the phone.  
  
Nick? They had been out together a few times so that wouldn't be a problem. He knew that romance was not on the agenda and he always made her feel better. Why not. She reaches for her cell phone (always close at hand in case work calls her in) and dials his number. It rings.......... Damn, went to message bank. Oh well. He was probably asleep anyway.  
  
That left Gil Grissom..... No way!!!!! Not even going to open that Pandora's box. Wow, how awkward had work been since she asked him out to dinner that time. Besides, Gil wasn't a movie kind of guy. Not if they were in color anyway.  
  
But he was the most amazing person she had ever met. She knows her feelings for him are unreciprocated. But she can't help it. Everyday he does or says something that just stuns her. He was brilliant.  
  
But was brilliant enough? She had asked herself that question so many times. Were her feelings for Gil love, or admiration? As usual she couldn't answer. It didn't matter anyway. She was though chasing him. It was time to find meaning in her life. She didn't know how, but she was going to try.  
  
She switched off her scanner and turned on the radio. She got up and picked up all the magazines and packed them away in her cupboard. That was a start. A small start but a start none the less.  
  
Time to go and see a movie. Ok so she will go on her own, but at least she would be doing something that wasn't work related. 'My life starts now!' 


	5. Warrick Brown

Warrick Brown  
  
He paces back and forward, back and forward, a repeat of Monday night's game playing on his TV. He couldn't sleep. Not unusual but today it was particularly hard. He had felt that feeling creep up on him over the last few days. That feeling that he has lived with for years now. He wanted to escape into the blissful oblivion of sleep. But sleep would not come. The feeling was becoming over powering. He needed to gamble.  
  
Needed to feel that rush of a good win. No, not again. He had fought so hard. He couldn't give up. He wouldn't. His job depended on it. A cheer erupted from his television. The Cowboy's just scored another touchdown with 5 seconds to go. Man, if he had bet on last weekend's games he would be rich enough to retire by now. A perfect round. Typical!  
  
No. Can't think like that. When he was betting he lost more than he won. Always had. But now.... He would be on the winning streak of this life. Everything he would have bet on, came up trumps. Man he could go a game of blackjack right now. NO! NO! NO!  
  
Change channels, find something else. OK, Third Watch, cool. '10 g's says he is the bad guy.' Yep on a roll.  
  
Maybe he should just get this out of his system. After all it had been four years now since he quit. OK.... So there had been some slip ups. But he got over them. No one knew about that and no one needed to know.  
  
Damn, he knew where this train of thought was leading him. Right in the front door of the nearest casino.  
  
What if Grissom found out? Could he handle that. Gris had given him his second chance, and third..... The thought of disappointing him was too much. Not to mention Nick! Oh he wouldn't say anything. He never did. Just say something like "I'm sure you tried your hardest man." And that would be it. He would never bring it up again. Nick had his own demons which is why he never lectured anyone else on theirs. But the look in his eyes would be enough.  
  
'Pull it together man. You can do this. One day at a time.'  
  
He looks over at his wallet sitting on the kitchen bench where he put it when he came home from work. He could see a bill poking out from it. He didn't have much cash. He gets up and checks his wallet. $35. That was all. Maybe he could just take the cash with him. $35 wasn't much. But it would be enough to get this monkey off his back. No wallet so no credit cards. Just the cash. He grabs up his car keys and the cash and leaves.  
  
Ten minutes later he is back. Not far down the road he changed his mind and turned the car back. He walks back to the counter and picks up his wallet with the credit cards. After all he might need to show some ID.  
  
He knows that is a lame excuse but he can't fight it anymore.  
  
By the time he went to work he was flat broke..... again. 


End file.
